By Mary Walters Riskin

Being "good-looking" depends more on self-confidence than it does on diet pills or jogging 20 miles a week.

I’d be happy if I could weigh 200 pounds of solid muscle for next year in football... instead of only 185.

- Don, teenager.

Too tall!

Too short!

Too fat!

Too thin!

Too clumsy!

Too weak!

Who do we say these negative things about? Not our friends. Not people we respect. Sometimes, maybe, we think or say them about people we don’t like. But mostly they’re said about ourselves. No matter how good you feel about your abilities and your accomplishments, it’s pretty difficult to act confidently if you don’t feel good about the way you look.

Body image is really made up of two images. One stares back at us when we look in the mirror: that’s our Actual Body Image. The other is a mental picture of what we think we ought to look like: our Idealized Body Image. Sometimes the Idealized Body Image affects how we see ourselves in the mirror. We don’t see our legs the way they really are – instead we see them compared to "how they should look." Instead of saying, "Those are my legs, not bad!" we say, "Those are my legs and they’re too fat!" When we are unhappy with the way we think we should look, we can’t relax or feel secure with other people. If you tell yourself over and over, "I’m ugly," you start to believe it and act like it’s true. Your self-confidence goes right out the window.

Deep down, we know that there are things much more important than looks. When other people ask us what’s important, we say, "being kind," being friendly," or "being loyal." But when we look in the mirror, we say to ourselves, "What’s important is the way I look, and I don’t look good enough." Like our ideas about what’s right or what’s wrong, or about what’s in or out, our ideas about ideal body image come from a number of places... starting with our parents and our friends. Even when we’re very young, we see adults going on diets, working out, and worrying about the desserts they want to eat. People often apologize before eating, as if they were about to do something bad. Have you ever made an excuse like, "I didn’t eat all day," before pigging out? Kids who are overweight get teased and learn that bodies are supposed to be thin and muscular, and that there is one perfect body that everyone, especially us, must have.

The image of what that perfect body looks like hits us over and over in the media, particularly in television, movies and magazines. TV programs and advertisements tell us that women should be thin and tall, with a small waist, slender thighs and no hips; while height, large biceps, and strong thighs and quads are desirable in men.

With one glance around school or the mall you can see that in the real world people come in every shape, size, age and color. But after looking at models and actors, the fact that we don’t look the way they do makes us feel inadequate.

With so many unhappy people lacking self-esteem and a positive self-image, sales of hair dyes, make-up, exercise equipment and diet plans are booming. People want to buy these things because they think that’s what they need to be perfect. And perfect is happy. Well, at least the advertisers are happy!

If I spent all my life worrying about what I didn’t like about myself, I’d never have fun.

• Susan, 15

We can change ourselves. Not our bodies, but our attitudes. We can stop playing the Ideal Body Image game in our heads. We can accept that the way we are right now is okay. We look like us, and each one of us is different. When we start to focus on ourselves as individuals, we begin to develop the self-confidence behind the most attractive look of all.

I look like this because I want to. I like looking like this.

• Sinead O’Connor

If Barbie were a person, she’d be too weak to hold her own body up. At 5’6", her measurements in inches would be a skinny 31-19-27; making it tough to stay healthy or have the energy to do anything.

It’s human nature to try to improve, to be better all the time. Some of us want to lose weight or gain weight or get stronger because we know we’ll be healthier and feel about ourselves. There’s nothing wrong with that.

So how do we tell the difference between a healthy and an unhealthy urge to change our bodies?

The difference is attitude. If you decide to lose weight... and stop worrying about your appearance once you have lost the weight, you’re okay. But if you start dieting and can’t stop, or you start jogging and keep increasing your distance and your speed to farther and faster all the time... then maybe you have a problem. One that could threaten your health. For some teenagers, getting thin or strong becomes an addiction. These teenagers need help because their problem has nothing to do with body image.

Ever notice that there aren’t very many heavy, short, very tall or very skinny teenagers on television? How many have braces? How many have pimples? Have you ever seen a TV character with their hair out of place or two socks that don’t match? Ever notice how family members on these programs always eat together and listen to one another?

Watching television can make you feel downright inadequate. But it’s not you – it’s them. TV land has very little to do with the world we actually live in.

Start trying to find the things that just aren’t true-to-life in the television programs you watch and the advertisements you see. Focus particularly on the ideal body images they portray.